Growing up Female in a Misogynist Society- Psychological Wounding

What happens to girls and women who grow up in a society where girls and women are devalued and even detested?  Psychological wounding refers to the emotional and psychological damage that happens to girls and women as the result of growing up in a culture that devalues anything feminine. Consider the message (and harm done) to little girls when they hear fathers say to sons, “don’t be a sissy”? Understanding the message takes no great insight or intellect.   The message is clear:  don’t be like a girl because girls aren’t worth a shit.  Virtually anything that is considered feminine in our society is devalued.  Regardless of biological sex (or gender) if you are nurturing, emotional, cooperative, compassionate, excitable, relational, expressive, passive, artistic, etc…then you are devalued.  For men who have these attributes, they are shamed into being more “masculine” by being called gay or faggots.  However,  girls and women are socialized to have all of these attributes and are then devalued for the same feminine attributes they were “forced” by families and society to adopt. Talk about a double-bind.

Women grow up in a culture where they have never seen a female president. Where they  only recently earned the right to vote. Where history books only document men’s history and religious books condemn women as being unclean, unfit, unholy, unworthy, the property of men, and the blame for humanity’s fall from grace.  Women learn that no matter how hard they work, pay equity is something they are unlikely to ever achieve.  Little girls learn that they have little to no value except for their physical beauty; be pretty, not smart. They learn that men get to interrupt women in conversations but women do not get to interrupt men.  They learn that society does not trust them to make rational decisions regarding their own health or about their ability to carry and provide for another child. Girls learn that standing up for their bodily integrity, what they believe in, or their basic human rights will likely result in getting called a “Bitch”.  Girls learn that when they are molested, beaten, and/or attacked that they must have done something to provoke it; regardless of their ability to fight back or resist.

However, when women reject what is feminine because they are trying to play the “game” by the rules and the rules only allow white, straight, Christian men to get ahead, they then get labeled as “Dyke”, “Lesbian”, “Man-hater”, “Femi-Natzi”, or worse.  These double binds for women create circumstances where women can NEVER win.  When women act feminine they are devalued.  When women act masculine they are devalued.

Consider Hilary Rodham Clinton’s presidential campaign.  She was berated for wearing pantsuits and then berated for wearing something a bit more feminine.  She was berated for being aggressive (taking a stand) and too masculine and then berated for crying after losing a long, heart-felt, and hard-fought battle. She was berated for not leaving a cheating husband but blamed for his unfaithfulness. The examples are literally countless. Many girls and women spend their lives trying to figure out what the rules are.

The only answer is this.  Be who you are.  People’s attributes are neither male nor female; they are simply human.  Each of us has within us the ability to have “male” and “female” qualities.  To deny any or all of those is deny ourselves and others the right to be fully, authentically who we are. I choose the truth. What will you choose?